Impressions of Myself - The Hard Truth: Why I’m Finally Committing to Change

I am not content with myself.

I’ve never had a high opinion of my appearance. Personality-wise? I’m mostly okay—I accept my flaws and embrace my good qualities. But when I look in the mirror, my first instinct is still: "Ugh. It’s you."

My discontent is purely aesthetic. If I met myself as another person, I’d probably enjoy my company—but I’d also friend-zone me without a second thought. The idea of someone finding me attractive feels almost absurd.

There’s a song from 2002 by Tweet called "Oops (Oh My)"—it’s about her being turned on by her own reflection. I listen to it and feel a pang of envy. What must it be like to feel that way about yourself? To look in the mirror and think, "Damn, you look good" instead of "Well, at least you’re somewhat presentable today"?

But that fleeting moment of acceptance disappears the second I stand next to my friends, who always seem to look better — better makeup, better hair, better clothes, better genetics.

The Hard Truth: I Stopped Trying

At some point, I gave up. I stopped putting in effort. My wardrobe became 100% comfortable (unsexy gym wear, despite not working out). My hairstyle is boring, my makeup takes 10 minutes, and my health habits? Nonexistent. I don’t exercise, I eat whatever, and I still smoke. (Silver lining: At least I don’t drink… excessively.)

I don’t want to be this person anymore. I’ve said it a million times—every New Year’s, every "fresh start." But this time, I’m writing it here, publicly, so I can’t pretend I didn’t make the commitment.

(Yes, I could delete this post later and pretend it never happened. But I won’t let myself.)

The Three Things I Need to Change

1. Lose Weight

I’m not fat, but I’m chubby—always have been. At 165cm (5'5"), my ideal weight is 55–62kg (121–137 lbs). My goal is 55kg, with a healthy maintenance range of 55–58kg.

I know some things can’t change—my height, my bone structure, the shape of my head. But the extra body fat? That’s within my control. I don’t need a "life-ring" of belly fat when I sit.

2. Stop Smoking

I started 15 years ago in university. Back then, smoking had perks: easy social connections and a built-in exam break. Now, it’s just a crutch—an excuse to step away from work or life for five minutes. But it’s time to quit.

3. Revamp My Wardrobe

I hate shopping because nothing looks "right" on me. I either buy nothing or settle for cheap basics that just cover my body. I see outfits on social media or mannequins and think, "I wish I could pull that off." 

I’ve been waiting for the "perfect body" before investing in clothes. But I need to understand that style isn’t about being flawless—it’s about finding what works for me.

This Isn’t My Action Plan (Yet)

Right now, I’m just naming the problems. The how—the workouts, the meal plans, the quitting strategies, the styling experiments—will come next.

But for the first time, I’m not just whispering these goals to myself. I’m putting them out there. No more hiding.

If you’ve ever felt this way, maybe we can figure it out together.